Gay Speed Dating Events in London.

According to Dr Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University, NY, as published in "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997), there are 36 questions that almost always guarantee that 2 people, if they ask each other them over 45 minutes, will want to see each other again and have positive feelings towards one another. So, if you are coming along to an Urban Connections speed dating event, take note! Here they are, in order:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling…"
26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Variations
37. If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?
38. Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
39. While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given they will never meet again, and you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?

As well as incorporating some of these questions into a speed dating date, or the ones which stand out to you or seem most fun, try to use some of them on a first date with someone you want to get to know better. We are not suggesting you sit there firing off a non-stop list of questions, rather slip them in at relevant points during the conversation. Don't forget eye contact, flirting and listening are also important!

If your relationships tend to be short-lived; it may be time to examine your behaviour & make sure you are not dong any of the following;

 
1) Invite a bunch of your friends along without asking him.

Although it's normal that your new man wants to meet your friends, it makes you look like you don't want to spend time alone with him if you invite them without telling him & he may even get offended.

 
2)  Not keeping promises.

If you promised to buy a birthday present/ that you would meet on Fri night but when it came down to it, you forgot or you couldn't be bothered you are sending a signal that you can't keep promises and you don't care.

 
3) Not calling.

So many new relationships falter due to lack of communication. Everyone is constantly surrounded by the technology to call/ text/ facebook so there is no excuse for silence. It just takes seconds to send a nice text and reassures your date that you are thinking about him.    

 4) Don’t trust him.

If you really like/ love your new guy and you believe that he feels the same then you have to trust him. This will make him feel like you can depend on him and deepen the relationship. But, once mistrust rears it’s ugly head, things start to fall apart. After all, why waste time with someone who doesn't trust you?

5) Don’t show any interest.

Make sure your work or other priorities don’t come before your relationship; or at least don’t give him the impression that that’s the case. Take the trouble to plan a nice weekend together, to look for a great restaurant to surprise him or buy him something he mentioned that he needs.

So you met a great guy. You really like him and he says he likes you too. But, you have a niggling suspicion that he is only after one thing. How can you tell?

1) He only calls you late at night.

After a night out with his mates, he gets horny and calls you up. It's clear what's on his mind. During other times he doesn't pick up the phone when you call him.

2)  You've never met his friends.

When you like someone, it's normal that you want your friends to meet them too. If he is keeping you away from certain events or outings, maybe he thinks you will cramp his style when he is cruising other guys.

3) You stay in instead of going out.

If you spend most of your time at his or your place (especially in the bedroom) as opposed to going out to restaurants, cinemas, parties etc, then he is probably not interested in dating you. 

4) All talk and no action.

He says he likes you, he talks about moving in together, taking a holiday etc etc but he never does anything to back it up. You get the feeling that he's reading from a script.

5) Mention the 'r' word and he goes cold.

When you mention relationships, all of a sudden he has to make a phone call, leave the room or change the subject. If this topic is out of bounds for him, it means he's not interested in being with you!

6) What does your gut tell you?

No matter how dizzy in love you may be, listen to what your intuition is telling you; or even better listen to your good friends. What do they think?

If you can make him  laugh, that all important first date will go with a swing and he will probably want to see you again; but how? Check out our top tickling tips.

1. Relax

All comedians have to overcome their frear of looking foolish, stupid or unfunny. Relax, let yourself go and be prepared for the joke to fall flat or even to laugh at yourself. If you look like you are having fun when telling the gag or trying to be funny then the other person will be more likely to laugh along with you rather than you looking awkward or stiff.

2. Use the rule of three.

Give two serious examples, followed by an absurd third one. For example: "The men I like best are the ones who are tall, dark, and with a pulse."

3. Build the tension.

Long, elaborate stories can involve the audience and pull them in so they care about the ending. It's like holding your breath while listening; the longer you hold it, the bigger the burst will be when you let it out.

4. Have a running joke.

The other person feels like they are in on it, so it's a great way to build a connection.Bring it up when least expected to make it even funnier.

5. Be ironic.

Say something that contradicts what has just been said. If someone says 'you're a good listener', reply with 'what was that?'.

6. Be a tease.

If you are going to tease your date (and this is best avoided on a first meeting), make sure you do it with affection and avoid sounding nasty or judgmental.

7. Don't confuse self-depreciation and self-pity.

It can be hilarious to poke fun at ourselves in a lighthearted way, it's showing the other person that we are human and have a sense of humour, but make sure you don't come accross like you are negative, depressed or complaining! Always make sure the listener sees a big smile at the end so they know you are kidding.

It's a fact that others judge us on our appearance before we even open our mouths, so in any dating situation make sure you are making the best possible impression. See our top tips to help you choose what to wear:

1. Dress Appropriately.
Try to find out where the date will take place so you can plan in advance. A smart shirt and smart jeans/ trousers will suffice in most situations. Avoid showing too much flesh, even in summer; less is more (and if the date goes well you will have plenty of other opportunities to show off your biceps).

 
2. Dress Comfortably.
Don't wear a suit if they make you feel stuffy and forget any shoes which hurt your feet. If you don't feel comfortable then you won't look it either! Be yourself.
 
3. Make an effort. 

You are on this date because you want to impress this person, right? So, turning up in baggy old jeans and stinky trainers makes you look like a slob, which could ruin your chances; even small things like a hole in your jumper or scuffed shoes. You don't need to blow your salary on a designer outfit, just make sure what you put on gives the right impression. Put some planning into it! 

4. An eye for detail:

There’s no point spending hours on your magnificent outfit and then leaving the house with messy hair, dirty fingernails or turning up with a cheap, folding umbrella. Focus on your look as a whole rather than individual pieces.

5. Be Yourself

Your date wants to get to know the real you; not a fake. There’s no point trying to fool your man into thinking you dress like David Beckham if you don’t; imagine the huge effort each time you meet.  Take a look in the mirror before you leave home; if you don’t feel right, go change.

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Dating Reviews

Sex appeal is something that improves with experience and is not limited to beautiful people. Check our top tips for perfecting that va va voom factor.

1. Become comfortable with your body.

Join a gym or take up acting or dance lessons. You don't need a perfect body but half the battle's already won with an attractive body. Oh, and no slouching or fiddling with your hands! Eye contact is essential and as you become more comfortable with your own body, you will find it easier to touch others in conversation; ie placing your hand on their shoulder, brushing arms and really creating a connection.
 
2. Don't play easy to get.

Develop an air of mystery and be a challenge. Think James Dean & Brad Pitt; bet they never sent any desperate texts at 2 in the morning. Showing that you are independent and can stand on your own two feet is attractive. Busy people with lots of interests who never get bored are also attractive; so make sure you have plenty of hobbies and are not sitting around waiting for a phone call!
 
3. Looks aren't everything!

Sex appeal is not limited to the young and the beautiful; it's something that improves with experience. Millionaires and guys who hang around in certain social circles (music industry, casinos, fine restaurants) tend to attract top-model partners. It's about lifestyle and glamour as well as looks. Cultivate this without breaking the bank; try to get in with the right crowd.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
4. Dress well.

If you don’t have dress sense; get a stylist or some advice from a friend in the know.  Well-dressed men always stand out. Black & red are sexy colours but body & attitude are just as important. Don't confuse sex appeal with trying too hard to dress sexy; showing off your muscles in skimpy clothes is not the same as classic, well-cut styles which just ooze understated sexiness.

5. It’s all in the mind!

If you believe you are sexy then you will give off a sexy vibe, so start thinking positively about yourself. Give and accept compliments and start to see the fantastic personality traits and other great qualities you posses.

6. Lip Service.

Lips are very appealing and sensual; make sure you keep yours moisturised to avoid chaps and cracks.

If you have found love at our events, let us know!

Tony, 35, London:

I met my partner Erik at an Urban Connections dating night. I must admit I was not really sure about going to a speed dating event beforehand, but I tried to just keep an open mind. When Erik sat down in front of me my heart skipped a beat, I liked him from the first second – he just had a great energy about him. I was over the moon the next day when I received my matches and saw that he liked me too! He had to go away travelling for business that week but we chatted on Skype for hours every night and when he returned we started going out. And here we are still together today two years later! I owe you guys a big thank you!

Justin, 27, London

Me and my partner met thanks to Urban Connections speed dating. The funny thing was that both of us had come along to the event because our friends had practically dragged us there with them, we didn't think it would be our thing. Chris was the only guy I ticked on my form and I was the only one that he ticked too. I was really suprised to meet someone like that and I have definately changed my view of organised dating events!

Matthew, 34, London

I went to your speed dating night last September in Soho. I really wanted to try something different as I was bored with the gay scene and online chat. I suppose I always thought I was too fussy when it comes to finding a mate. I am an artist and I insist that my partner be arty too and I wanted him to like travel and many other things. I was amazed to meet Carlos who is also an artist, he spends half the year travelling and we have so much more in common. I am greatful to you and to the hand of destiny! We have been together for 8 months and are moving to Australia in a few weeks together.

Victor, London

Thank you so very much for such a lovely and warm evening and such a great time meeting new potentials. I will advise all my single friends to go at least once as it is a great and different way to really meet new people. I just realised that if I were to go out to bars/ pubs to meet 30 guys in the same way/ depth it would take me a whole year or more. Thank you so very much!

http://www.localsinglesfun.co.uk

http://speeddatinglondon.co.uk/index.php

 Our dating coach, Jaye Sassieni, is ready to answer your questions regarding gay dating, finding a partner and more. Email him at info@urbanconnections.co.uk     with 'Q&A column' in the header. 

 Q: Hi there, I am 23 years old guy and I have just come out to my parents 3 months ago. I have been chatting to this guy from a dating site for a few weeks he sounds genuine and I am going on my first date/ meet with him on Friday for the very first time. Any tips on the do's and don'ts e.g. When When I meet him should I shake his hand or give him a hug?. I really could use all the help.

A: It really depends on your personality and how intimate you have become over the time you have been chatting, but generally, a handshake would be the best option for two reasons. Firstly, you may feel awkward if you try to kiss him and he doesn't want to or is not ready to and secondly, it depends how you feel in that moment. You may not be physically attracted to him when you meet so hugging him could just feel wrong. Some men are very uncomfortable with public displays of affection full stop, let alone with someone they have only just met for the first time.  When meeting someone for the first time after chatting online, my advice would be not to have high expectations; even though you may have spent weeks chatting about the most intimate areas of your life and you may feel you know each other so well, chat screens are devoid of the visual, emotional and physical factors which lead to attraction, rapport and sparks. You cannot see the expression on his face as he is typing; is he joking? Is he being ironic? Is he serious? Does he have one eye on the TV screen while chatting to you? Shy people are able to come accross as very confident online and it is easy to exagerate or lie when you are not face-to-face with the person you are communicating with. Don't make too much of this first meeting and keep it in perspective; if you end up falling in love, that's great. It could also be the start of a new friendship, but if you are sure that he is your dream man and he turns out not to be, then you could end up feeling disapointed. As for 'do's and don'ts'; just be yourself, don't try to be anything that you are not. Make sure you listen as well as talk and don't fidget if you tend to get nervous. Last, but not least, remember that a short silence in the conversation every now and then is natural so don't try to read anything into them. Good luck!

Q: In one month I will be 35 years old and single. I always thought I would have found the perfect mate by this age. I do go out on the scene, I use internet dating sites and I consider myself good looking but I am just so tired of this game. Is there something I'm missing with this whole gay dating thing?

A: So what happens at 35; you turn into a pumpkin? What's the difference between 32 and 35? Why are you putting pressure on yourself? Try to chill out as this pressure could make you come accross as desperate or it could be hindering you finding a mate in other ways. It's also better to be 35 and single and happy than 35 and in a relationship with the wrong person. Lots of gay guys feel as you do, that's why my book has sold so many copies! But why not consider taking a break from your search? Even that word 'search' has a heavy, hard-work connotation to it. Just focus on something else for a few weeks or go on holiday.  If you are feeling tired of it all then you are probably not giving the right impression to other potential mates when you meet them. In the mean time, make sure that your life has plenty of other, interesting, enjoyable stuff going on too and that finding this ideal man is not your sole focus. Try to make new friends or start new hobbies. Could you maybe revamp your online dating profile if it isn't attracting the kind of guys you want? Without talking to you or knowing exactly what you are doing, that's the best advice I can give. Hope it helps!

Q: I have been kind of dating a guy for the last 4 months. He made it clear that he doesn't want to be tied down and that's fine with me. I like him a lot and I am hoping something will develop between us. There are just a couple of issues that I need to clear up with him and I don't know how to approach him without scaring him off.  My friend spotted him kissing another guy in a bar a few weeks back. My heart nearly stopped when I found out. The other thing is that we only see each other when he wants to. Whenever I try to plan anything he is never around. How should I bring this up? Jaques.

A: Imagine you were hearing that sorry tale from one of your friends over a teary tequilla binge. What would be the first thing that went through your head? You would probably say 'what a b****d, he is just using you and you are too good for him'. That's what friends are for, to point out things when you are so emotionaly attached and involved that you can't see the wood from the trees. So be your own best friend and try to see the light in this situation. Four months is long enough to know whether something will develop. It obviously hasn't so you need to cut the ties and move on. Also, I don't think you are 'fine' with him not wanting to be tied down or you wouldn't be writing to me. This man cannot provide what you are looking for. Let me just underline that again this man cannot provide what you are looking for.  If you continue with this one sided affair (which is NOT dating) you can expect more shock revelations from friends seeing him with other men but, ultimately, more heartache for you. He has laid the rules and you have so far followed and accepted them so there is nothing to bring up or discuss with him. I understand you like him but one day you will look back when you are happilly married and think to yourself 'what a loser, why did I waste so long with that guy?'. Delete his number, distract yourself, go out with your friends, keep busy, get out and meet new people; be firm with yourself and you will get over him. You deserve better. Good luck.

Q: Whenever I'm a couple of months into a relationship, the same thing always happens; I get this urge to go out every night, clubbing, drinking, seeing my friends, having fun. I feel like I'm missing all the fun by being stuck with one guy. This keeps happening every time I meet someone so I guess I have to sort this out or forever remain a short term boyfriend! Help! Paul

A: My initial reaction is that you are not really ready to have a relationship. Underneath, you still want to enjoy your footloose and fancy free status. There's nothing wrong with that at all. At some stage (this could be months or years) you may well find your feelings change and the prospect of settling down with a partner will no longer seem so boring and you won't feel stuck, as you say.  It's not  fair on your partners either, if you are not really commiting to them. Release any idea that you should be in a relationship or fears that you will never be able to have a long term relationship and enjoy life. Nobody is forcing you to start a relationship; being single and having fun is fine. Another issue could be that you are not sharing your social life with your partner. Have you tried bringing your boyfriend out with your friends when you go clubbing or drinking?  There is no need to separate your man and your friends; try to involve hiim in your crazy nights out too. Or are you choosing guys who don't share those same interests? If that's the case, ask yourself why. Another possibility may be that you are deliberately sabotaging your relationships, always using the same reason to end them. Is there some issue that is preventing you from staying with someone for more than a couple of months? Is this clubbing etc just a pretext for something happening deeper down? I've given you plenty to think about so let me know how you get on.

Q: Speaking as a 37 year old gay man who's been around, I have to say that I don't understand your whole 'gay dating' website. My experience has shown me that gay men primarily want sex (that's why there are so many gay sexual websites,clubs, bars etc etc). Try going to a Vauxhall club and trying to convince the leather men that they should be 'dating'. I'm not saying it's a bad thing what you are trying to introduce but I think a little realism wouldn't go amiss.I gave up trying to settle down with a partner some years back and I have never regretted that.

 A: Leathermen want to feel love, affection and companionship like every other human being. Their sexual persuasion or behaviour does not alter a basic human need (although they may well have other things on their mind on a Saturday night!) Of course there are many gay men (as well as straight/ bi men and women) who are not looking for anything more than sex, everyone is free to choose their own lifestyle. Gay culture is very sexualised but it's important not to make any generalisations about such a broad range of ages, races, backgrounds and beliefs. Our website receives hundreds of hits every day, our dating events have been consistently busy for five years – this is not a one off fluke, thousands of gay men want to 'date' as opposed to just having sex. We are addressing a need, rather than trying to 'introduce' anything, as you say. I get the impression from your email that you seem slightly jaded about the whole situation. Have you developed your perceptions after spending many nights in cruisy bars or on those type of  websites? If so, then it is not surprising. If you had maybe spend the same amount of time on different websites, where gay men are primarily focused on friendship or if you had attended any one of a number of non-sexual gay events (or even - shock horror- speed dating) which take place up and down the country (gay bowling groups or choirs etc), then it is probable that your outlook would be different and you would have met enough gay men who are looking for more than sex to convince you. The fact you logged on to our website and took the trouble of sending this message also shows that you have not given up, as you say. So, lighten up with your fixed ideas of how you think gay men are and look around you a bit more; you may even want to get back in the dating ring again? 

Q: I consider myself to be a great catch; I have a great job, I'm clever, I have a great body (I used to model swimware) but I am not meeting the kind of guys that I want to meet. Over the past couple of years I must have met and gone out with over 100 potential boyfriends but they never seem to live up to what I am looking for. I suppose the million dollar question is; WHERE do I go to meet smart, handsome, successful gay men? Marcus

    Our speed dating events of course! Just kidding. Well it's great to see that you are a confident man, sure of what he is looking for. But (and this is a big but) I think you need to turn the spotlight away from the perceived failings of your potential boyfriends and examine what (or who) you are looking for. There are plenty of smart, handsome, successful gay men in London and you don't have to go too far to meet them, but, this depends on your idea of 'smart and handsome'. Does that mean a male-model look alike with the career of Donald Trump? Are your expectations set too high?  I can confidently say that a clever, solvent, swimware model who wants to find a partner in this town does not stay single for long! Are you honestly saying that not one of those 100 men you dated could make you happy? Not one? Be honest with yourself and see if you can see what the real issue is. Why are you turning away so many potential partners? Is there any fear of commitment lurking around? Is this endless quest for a 'smart, handsome, successful mate' just a front to hide something else that's going on in your subconscious? I realise this may not have been the response you were hoping for but the answer to your million dollar question lies within you.

Q: I am 36 years old and I have just come out. I realise this is late and I have spent a long time in denial but that's life. I have mustered up the courage to visit a couple of bars in Soho on two occasions and I felt like an OAP. All the guys seemed to be teenagers. I feel anxious about having 'missed the boat' and, as I don't have any gay friends, I don't know who to turn to really. I do want to find a partner but I just don't know how gay men go about that. Any advice would be of great help! Darren

A: Darren, first of all, don't beat yourself up about having come out late or wasted time in denial. Wherever you are in your own personal journey is fine. What matters is that you feel good about now and the decisions you have made. Be proud that you have had the courage to come out and forget this misinformed notion that you have missed the boat somehow. You are 36, not 86!  Soho can be a daunting place for guys who have just come out and I think you may have been to a couple of the bars which are aimed at the younger gay crowd. Soho reflects London's gay diversity and there are bars for bears, the older crowd, City guys, trendies and more. You can view Boyz Magazine or QX magazine online; they have listings for all the gay venues and this will help you to plan your next night out better. You can contact the gay and lesbian switchboard for advice and support, but I would also suggest that you don't rely on bars in Soho for making new friends and dates. Gay men are not confined to Soho; we are everywhere! As well as online sites where you can make new friends, there are numerous gay sports, music and charity groups where you can meet new friends.

Email now if you would like to feature in our Q&A column ( your (real) name and email adress will not be displayed.)

Feng shui is very powerful tool for optimizing your chances for a successful date. There are some very specific rules for attracting  a hot date using the right colors to support your personal kua.To use feng shui to your advantage, you'll need to know what your own personal kua or energy resonance is.

There are nine kuas or energy resonances. Once you have figured your own kua, the rules will help you choose the things to wear on your date. 

How to find your Kua:

Add the last two digits of your birth year and then subtract that number from 10. Whenever the adding gives you a result which contains two digits you should add them in order to reduce them to only one digit.

Each personal kua number represents an element, and each element is symbolized by different colors. Therefore, once you have found your kua number, you can choose your clothes according to the color which represents your personal element and improve your life harmony through it.

If your kua number is 1, your element is water and the colors representing it are blue and black. This way, if your number is one you should chose blue or black. If your kua number is 2, your element is earth and your should wear either yellow or brown.

Next, a person whose kua number is either 3 or 4 is represented by the element wood and should choose a shade of green. A person whose kua number is 5 is represented by the element earth and therefore should choose either yellow or brown.

The kua numbers 6 and 7 are both represented by the element metal and indicate white, gold and silver as ideal color choices. The kua number 8 corresponds to earth and recommends either color yellow or brown, and the number 9 corresponds to the element fire and the best color choices for a person represented by this number are red, orange or pink.

Just because a colour is your favorite, doesn't mean that it is supports your energy resonance. It might be your favorite, but know what your kua is before you wear it. You might be surprised, your favorite colour might even be working against you attracting the kind of people you know you could do without.

Wearing torn, ripped or fade cloths attracts the negative energy of distress, even though it maybe the style, don't wear it.

Forget splashing out on new those designer jeans or the latest haircut in London's trendiest salon; simplify your dating life with these back-to-basic tips: 

Find your man!

1) Be in the right place:

•  It's a fun night for starters! All the guys are up for a laugh and the venues are lovely.

• A bit like para-gliding or bungy-jumping, it's something that every gay man should try at least once in his life.

• How else are you going to meet around 30 single gay guys who are all looking for new dates and mates in one night? How many conversations would you normally have on a Saturday night out on the gay scene? And how many of the gay guys you meet are looking for more than sex? We rest our case.

• It's something different and breaks the old monotony of chat rooms, gay bars and clubs etc.

• It's a great opportunity to meet new people if you are the shy type.

• Big cities can be cold, unfriendly places at times; if you are new in town, there aren't many opportunites to socialise with nice new people in a relaxed friendly atmosphere. That's where we come in!

• Oh, did we forget to mention that it may lead to you finding the love of your life?

Dating Advice for Gay Guys; our top 5  tips for a first date.