Gay Speed Dating Events in London.

 Our dating coach, Jaye Sassieni, is ready to answer your questions regarding gay dating, finding a partner and more. Email him at info@urbanconnections.co.uk     with 'Q&A column' in the header. 

 Q: Hi there, I am 23 years old guy and I have just come out to my parents 3 months ago. I have been chatting to this guy from a dating site for a few weeks he sounds genuine and I am going on my first date/ meet with him on Friday for the very first time. Any tips on the do's and don'ts e.g. When When I meet him should I shake his hand or give him a hug?. I really could use all the help.

A: It really depends on your personality and how intimate you have become over the time you have been chatting, but generally, a handshake would be the best option for two reasons. Firstly, you may feel awkward if you try to kiss him and he doesn't want to or is not ready to and secondly, it depends how you feel in that moment. You may not be physically attracted to him when you meet so hugging him could just feel wrong. Some men are very uncomfortable with public displays of affection full stop, let alone with someone they have only just met for the first time.  When meeting someone for the first time after chatting online, my advice would be not to have high expectations; even though you may have spent weeks chatting about the most intimate areas of your life and you may feel you know each other so well, chat screens are devoid of the visual, emotional and physical factors which lead to attraction, rapport and sparks. You cannot see the expression on his face as he is typing; is he joking? Is he being ironic? Is he serious? Does he have one eye on the TV screen while chatting to you? Shy people are able to come accross as very confident online and it is easy to exagerate or lie when you are not face-to-face with the person you are communicating with. Don't make too much of this first meeting and keep it in perspective; if you end up falling in love, that's great. It could also be the start of a new friendship, but if you are sure that he is your dream man and he turns out not to be, then you could end up feeling disapointed. As for 'do's and don'ts'; just be yourself, don't try to be anything that you are not. Make sure you listen as well as talk and don't fidget if you tend to get nervous. Last, but not least, remember that a short silence in the conversation every now and then is natural so don't try to read anything into them. Good luck!

Q: In one month I will be 35 years old and single. I always thought I would have found the perfect mate by this age. I do go out on the scene, I use internet dating sites and I consider myself good looking but I am just so tired of this game. Is there something I'm missing with this whole gay dating thing?

A: So what happens at 35; you turn into a pumpkin? What's the difference between 32 and 35? Why are you putting pressure on yourself? Try to chill out as this pressure could make you come accross as desperate or it could be hindering you finding a mate in other ways. It's also better to be 35 and single and happy than 35 and in a relationship with the wrong person. Lots of gay guys feel as you do, that's why my book has sold so many copies! But why not consider taking a break from your search? Even that word 'search' has a heavy, hard-work connotation to it. Just focus on something else for a few weeks or go on holiday.  If you are feeling tired of it all then you are probably not giving the right impression to other potential mates when you meet them. In the mean time, make sure that your life has plenty of other, interesting, enjoyable stuff going on too and that finding this ideal man is not your sole focus. Try to make new friends or start new hobbies. Could you maybe revamp your online dating profile if it isn't attracting the kind of guys you want? Without talking to you or knowing exactly what you are doing, that's the best advice I can give. Hope it helps!

Q: I have been kind of dating a guy for the last 4 months. He made it clear that he doesn't want to be tied down and that's fine with me. I like him a lot and I am hoping something will develop between us. There are just a couple of issues that I need to clear up with him and I don't know how to approach him without scaring him off.  My friend spotted him kissing another guy in a bar a few weeks back. My heart nearly stopped when I found out. The other thing is that we only see each other when he wants to. Whenever I try to plan anything he is never around. How should I bring this up? Jaques.

A: Imagine you were hearing that sorry tale from one of your friends over a teary tequilla binge. What would be the first thing that went through your head? You would probably say 'what a b****d, he is just using you and you are too good for him'. That's what friends are for, to point out things when you are so emotionaly attached and involved that you can't see the wood from the trees. So be your own best friend and try to see the light in this situation. Four months is long enough to know whether something will develop. It obviously hasn't so you need to cut the ties and move on. Also, I don't think you are 'fine' with him not wanting to be tied down or you wouldn't be writing to me. This man cannot provide what you are looking for. Let me just underline that again this man cannot provide what you are looking for.  If you continue with this one sided affair (which is NOT dating) you can expect more shock revelations from friends seeing him with other men but, ultimately, more heartache for you. He has laid the rules and you have so far followed and accepted them so there is nothing to bring up or discuss with him. I understand you like him but one day you will look back when you are happilly married and think to yourself 'what a loser, why did I waste so long with that guy?'. Delete his number, distract yourself, go out with your friends, keep busy, get out and meet new people; be firm with yourself and you will get over him. You deserve better. Good luck.

Q: Whenever I'm a couple of months into a relationship, the same thing always happens; I get this urge to go out every night, clubbing, drinking, seeing my friends, having fun. I feel like I'm missing all the fun by being stuck with one guy. This keeps happening every time I meet someone so I guess I have to sort this out or forever remain a short term boyfriend! Help! Paul

A: My initial reaction is that you are not really ready to have a relationship. Underneath, you still want to enjoy your footloose and fancy free status. There's nothing wrong with that at all. At some stage (this could be months or years) you may well find your feelings change and the prospect of settling down with a partner will no longer seem so boring and you won't feel stuck, as you say.  It's not  fair on your partners either, if you are not really commiting to them. Release any idea that you should be in a relationship or fears that you will never be able to have a long term relationship and enjoy life. Nobody is forcing you to start a relationship; being single and having fun is fine. Another issue could be that you are not sharing your social life with your partner. Have you tried bringing your boyfriend out with your friends when you go clubbing or drinking?  There is no need to separate your man and your friends; try to involve hiim in your crazy nights out too. Or are you choosing guys who don't share those same interests? If that's the case, ask yourself why. Another possibility may be that you are deliberately sabotaging your relationships, always using the same reason to end them. Is there some issue that is preventing you from staying with someone for more than a couple of months? Is this clubbing etc just a pretext for something happening deeper down? I've given you plenty to think about so let me know how you get on.

Q: Speaking as a 37 year old gay man who's been around, I have to say that I don't understand your whole 'gay dating' website. My experience has shown me that gay men primarily want sex (that's why there are so many gay sexual websites,clubs, bars etc etc). Try going to a Vauxhall club and trying to convince the leather men that they should be 'dating'. I'm not saying it's a bad thing what you are trying to introduce but I think a little realism wouldn't go amiss.I gave up trying to settle down with a partner some years back and I have never regretted that.

 A: Leathermen want to feel love, affection and companionship like every other human being. Their sexual persuasion or behaviour does not alter a basic human need (although they may well have other things on their mind on a Saturday night!) Of course there are many gay men (as well as straight/ bi men and women) who are not looking for anything more than sex, everyone is free to choose their own lifestyle. Gay culture is very sexualised but it's important not to make any generalisations about such a broad range of ages, races, backgrounds and beliefs. Our website receives hundreds of hits every day, our dating events have been consistently busy for five years – this is not a one off fluke, thousands of gay men want to 'date' as opposed to just having sex. We are addressing a need, rather than trying to 'introduce' anything, as you say. I get the impression from your email that you seem slightly jaded about the whole situation. Have you developed your perceptions after spending many nights in cruisy bars or on those type of  websites? If so, then it is not surprising. If you had maybe spend the same amount of time on different websites, where gay men are primarily focused on friendship or if you had attended any one of a number of non-sexual gay events (or even - shock horror- speed dating) which take place up and down the country (gay bowling groups or choirs etc), then it is probable that your outlook would be different and you would have met enough gay men who are looking for more than sex to convince you. The fact you logged on to our website and took the trouble of sending this message also shows that you have not given up, as you say. So, lighten up with your fixed ideas of how you think gay men are and look around you a bit more; you may even want to get back in the dating ring again? 

Q: I consider myself to be a great catch; I have a great job, I'm clever, I have a great body (I used to model swimware) but I am not meeting the kind of guys that I want to meet. Over the past couple of years I must have met and gone out with over 100 potential boyfriends but they never seem to live up to what I am looking for. I suppose the million dollar question is; WHERE do I go to meet smart, handsome, successful gay men? Marcus

    Our speed dating events of course! Just kidding. Well it's great to see that you are a confident man, sure of what he is looking for. But (and this is a big but) I think you need to turn the spotlight away from the perceived failings of your potential boyfriends and examine what (or who) you are looking for. There are plenty of smart, handsome, successful gay men in London and you don't have to go too far to meet them, but, this depends on your idea of 'smart and handsome'. Does that mean a male-model look alike with the career of Donald Trump? Are your expectations set too high?  I can confidently say that a clever, solvent, swimware model who wants to find a partner in this town does not stay single for long! Are you honestly saying that not one of those 100 men you dated could make you happy? Not one? Be honest with yourself and see if you can see what the real issue is. Why are you turning away so many potential partners? Is there any fear of commitment lurking around? Is this endless quest for a 'smart, handsome, successful mate' just a front to hide something else that's going on in your subconscious? I realise this may not have been the response you were hoping for but the answer to your million dollar question lies within you.

Q: I am 36 years old and I have just come out. I realise this is late and I have spent a long time in denial but that's life. I have mustered up the courage to visit a couple of bars in Soho on two occasions and I felt like an OAP. All the guys seemed to be teenagers. I feel anxious about having 'missed the boat' and, as I don't have any gay friends, I don't know who to turn to really. I do want to find a partner but I just don't know how gay men go about that. Any advice would be of great help! Darren

A: Darren, first of all, don't beat yourself up about having come out late or wasted time in denial. Wherever you are in your own personal journey is fine. What matters is that you feel good about now and the decisions you have made. Be proud that you have had the courage to come out and forget this misinformed notion that you have missed the boat somehow. You are 36, not 86!  Soho can be a daunting place for guys who have just come out and I think you may have been to a couple of the bars which are aimed at the younger gay crowd. Soho reflects London's gay diversity and there are bars for bears, the older crowd, City guys, trendies and more. You can view Boyz Magazine or QX magazine online; they have listings for all the gay venues and this will help you to plan your next night out better. You can contact the gay and lesbian switchboard for advice and support, but I would also suggest that you don't rely on bars in Soho for making new friends and dates. Gay men are not confined to Soho; we are everywhere! As well as online sites where you can make new friends, there are numerous gay sports, music and charity groups where you can meet new friends.

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